Unemployed

On May 17th I finally had my meeting with my bosses. I had weeks to prepare for this and up until a few days before the meeting I had a lot of anger, disappointment and frustration to deal with. But a few days before, a real peace came over me. A peace that can only come from God.
The morning of the meeting I was reading a devotional from Joyce Mayer and the title was "It is time for a change". I knew then that God was telling me that my job was coming to an end and that he had new things in store for me.
I was let go from my job and was able to handle it really well. I cried a lot and was worried about the finances for our family as well as being at home with the kids all day and not having my work to distract me or give me a break.

Now two weeks into it I can say that I am loving this new phase and that God is faithful in providing for our family. I will be on unemployment for a few months while I figure out what it is that God wants me - us - to do.

I am looking for a new job, but am not sure if having another administrative job is what God wants for me.

Turmoil

The peace didn't last long. Things have been hard, really, really hard and I am emotionally spent and tired. Thank God for my loving and supporting husband.

It seems like change is in the air, but I am just not sure what step to take and what choice to make. I love the verse for today from Joyce Meyer's "Hearing from God each morning":

"This is the man to whom I will look and have regard: he who is humble and of a broken and wounded spirit, and who trembles at my word." (Isaiah 66:2).

Broken? Yes! Wounded? Yes! Humble? Not so much, but I am getting there. On the same page it says that God's word for me today is: When things don't work out the way you want them to, trust God and keep a good attitude.

I will take that to heart.

God is good!

Wow, so much has happened since my last post. That Thursday evening when I surrendered my disappointment and worries to the Lord, he answered me through some verses in Job and Psalm. The very next morning, my bosses sent me an email asking for a meeting on Monday. The first answer to my prayer!
Brent came back from a long business trip on Friday and we had a wonderful week-end as a family. I had so much peace, hard to believe given the circumstances. The meeting on Monday was great and I had such a good feeling going into the meeting, that I had no need to communicate my confusion or frustration. So work is back to normal and I am loving it!

Empty

I don't think I have felt this discouraged, insecure and empty in a long time. And lonely too. Brent is away on a ten day business trip and I am here to love and take care of our three precious children.
A couple of weeks ago something odd happened in my job that has left me very hurt and discouraged. I honestly thought I had the perfect job. Two bosses who have been very affirming, generous and great to work with. Not a week has gone by in the three years that I have worked for them without an email, a note or a little something to let me know what a great job I am doing and how blessed they feel to have me. And suddenly nothing but weird accusations, irate emails and no communication by phone or in person. The hard thing is that I honestly don't know what triggered this or what I have done wrong.
But through this all I am sensing something much deeper happening in my life. I thrive on positive feedback and encouraging words. My identity seems to lie in doing a good job and feeling needed. And now that this has been taken from me I feel completely insecure.
All this is making me think about who I was, who I am and who I want to be. I was a young lady who was full of passion for the Lord, a love for the lost and a clear calling on my life. Now I am a wife, a mother of three and a woman who has lost a lot of her relationship with the Lord. How did I get here? Or better, where do I go from here?
I have been filling the house with worship music, saying prayers all day long and reaching for a bible or devotional book a few times per day to see if I can find any encouragement and comfort.

And then I came across Psalm 143

A psalm of David.
1 LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.[a]

7 Answer me quickly, LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, LORD,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.

11 For your name’s sake, LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.

This will be my prayer for the next few days. "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love". I need to feel God's love. I don't want to depend on what people have to give me.

I need YOU Lord!